There is a type of connection, contact, communication, approximation, between every being and its more or less near environment, more or less far away, very far away…
That is to say that we can realize and even agree that we need, as part of our nature, to connect with the trees or rocks… or the animals… or most likely people, in a more or less large number, near, very near, far away…
It is a step, that… to watch.
Another step in which you could also say that we "agree with”, is the one that tells us -or we tell ourselves- that we have an internal dialog. In saying "internal" we mean the kind of dialog that is not usually expressed. Sometimes things that are thought are said, but there is a contact of oneself with oneself.
That’s strange, isn't it? Then, Hasdrubal says to himself: "Hasdrubal, do you realize what you have done? Don't you think you should drink less?". And Hasdrubal answers Hasdrubal. And he says: "Yes, but… look, I lose a little my inhibition. I am a shy person. And I have agreed with my liver that, well, it don't trouble me much".
And that is what Hasdrubal says to Hasdrubal. This is a little weird. Let me explain.
In principle, we do not know -for example- if the wild cat –to not to say the tiger- the wild cat, before jumping on its prey, thinks: wild cat -the wild cat says to itself-, have you calculated well the flight of the pigeon? Wild cat, have you noticed that the lady pigeon is waiting for the male pigeon and, at best, when you throw yourself on top of the lady pigeon, the male pigeon comes and pecks your eyes, wild cat?".
And the wildcat answers: "I have everything calculated. Stop bothering me, that pigeon I will eat at teatime.
And one has to ask: "the wild cat will ask all these questions?".
Normally, when you see a program of animals and such, it is often said that: "And the wild cat wondered and said to itself… 'Is it the moment, or not?'".
And, of course, if you are not careful, you’ll believe it. Or you ask: "And how do you know that the wild cat asks these questions? How do you know?".
Well, he does not know. He simply projects in the wildcat what he would do if he had to hunt a sparrow. There is a sparrow close by, and he feels like having a little fried bird. For example.
"Let’s see how I hunt that one, the sparrow, if I do not have the shotgun, if I do not have the slingshot, and only I have myself. So can I jump… jump over the tree, and with a feline flight pick it up with the right hand? Can I, while I am jumping, not fall, and if I jump and catch it, not falling, and hold myself with the left hand to a branch?".
Do you see? Antonio José asks himself. And after a while he says: "Antonio José, wouldn't it be better to open a can of sardines? Look at the risks that you run jumping… Imagine that the bird, the sparrow notices that you are after it, and it fly’s away… Have you noticed that branch, which can break? You’re going to break your ribs, your shoulder is going to pop out and you are going to break the cruciate ligament of your knee". "All of that?". "And you're not going to catch the sparrow. What a shame!, no?". "But if I had a shotgun, I would shoot the sparrow". "Yes, of course, but you don’t have a shotgun". "Well you know I like sardines? In addition, they say they have omega 3, omega 4, omega 5… that is, it puts you in the stars. It gives you a buzz!… Omega. The alpha and the omega! It is like the label of a famous watch. It gives you the time and everything, the sardine. Barbarous!".
And you say: "And all that is what a person thinks, to itself?".
Of course, a story like this is not usually told, or it is told if the feat has been accomplished… or the discovery of the great value of a tin of sardines; which, by the way, there are few.
Second step: the internal dialog.
"Well I believe, I believe, - Aphrodite tells herself, - that this guy is not for me, but I'm going to keep him just in case. Me, I am interested in that other one, who pretends to be clueless, but I think he likes me. But I don't know why, but I have seen something… that he also likes wild cats. And that worries me, although given the current situation, as Aphrodite, I say: Afro… dite… And I don't know if should leave for Africa or stay in New York".
Well, all of that one says to oneself?, to itself? The sparrow, Aphrodite, Ezekiel, Antonio… But then there is a collusion of 7000 million people! An internal collusion! a scramble… of leeks! Scrambled!...
-Then there is another step that… hum!
-But is there another step?
"Yes, yes. There is another step. The other step is incidental, accidental, occasional, unexpected and unforeseen. Sometimes it can be unheard of… or accompanied.
"Please! But… to what do you refer?
"Well, to… I don't know; to that which is not related to the outside, with the earth, stones, scissors, cardboard…; that which is not my internal dialog: "And then, what am I going to do with my pension, and what is going to happen with my children, and where am I going to buy the float…? Ay, ay, ay". Like a rap: "Woe, woe, woe. Where am I'm going to shave. With these hairs, I am not going to get there. Ay, ay, ay".
"Ho! how heavy!
-That means that the third steps must refer to, to this sensation, emotion, feeling… difficult to define.
-Yes. It is something that has no reason, that has no explanation, that has no internal dialog; that sprouts, it is not known whether it’s from the inside, or that they have implanted a microchip or…; that appears and disappears, comes, arrives, seats itself, fits, leaves…
You can call it in many ways, yes, yes, yes. You can call it "love", we can call "sex", we can call it…
-But… there are many things.
-Yes, there are many things, and one at a time. We could say something like: "I am not of me".
-I'm not of me? "I'm not of me”? Then, who am I of? I am… from of the hill?
I am not of me? But, let's see, I belong to myself.
- Ah, yes? Are you sure? And when those things happen which we just said about who am I from?
-No, they are… I don't know, things of life, that…
"I'm not of me".
Yes, it has always been said: cause-and-effect, right?
"And you are the cause of all my ills, of all my cries and my disappointment and despair"… For example. To put the blame on someone. Oh my god!
But there are causes… or effects without causes and causes without effects, and that is what shows me that I am not of me.
-I'm not of me?… And who am I of?
-But let’s see. Again. Who am I of?
-From my father and my mother, right?
-Not exactly. They collaborate; they collaborated. But, in addition, have a look at one thing, Andrew.
-Yes: Andrew. You, Andrew. Take a look at one thing: they collaborate, but they don't know in what they collaborate! What ignorance!, right? They put themselves there: tran, tran, tran, tran-tran or, well, or very quickly. But they don’t know in what they collaborate. It is like a suicide!
-A suicide? No! But then I was born!
-Yes, yes, but understand me. What’s normal nowadays -as well, for example, in the 21st century- is that you collaborate in this and you know what you are going to put. But, what do you bring? Do you know that?
-No. Not exactly, because now, seeing the child, Andrew, well!, oh my God! That is, it can't be, that boy, my son!, with that charm that he has, with that voice that thunders. No, no. I don't recognize him.
-Well, yes. You had something to do there. Or not.
-Or not? Is it an affirmation or a denial?
-Take it how you want.
-"I'm not of me". That is…But is it that I should be from someone…?
-Exactly, why should I be from someone?
-Because you are not of you, of course.
-I'm not from me, but I am the product of an evolution, of a generation…
-Well, good! That’s it, like your parents.
-Well, so to… I don't know if to fix it, or to come out from this discomfort, it could be said: "I am of the Creation".
For example, for example.
"Ah! And what is the Creation?
"I don't know. I have no idea. It is so, so, so, that…
-But I can do whatever I want with my life! But I can…!
-Are you sure?
-Well, I consult with myself, and consult the others, and take decisions, and…
-And…? And the third step?... The "I'm not of me," what about that?
-But we need to take the third step?
-It is not a question of taking it or not taking it. It is that… "it is”. Of course, you can notice… or not, for that of what we said, "unpredictable, unexpected, surprising, attractive, sexual, loving"… Psa!
And it's more! It is often said, when this appears: "It’s that I don't want to take that step! Because if I take that step, what can I say to myself? What will Ambrose, Ricardo, your cousin, my father think…? What will they think, if I take that step? But the step is there.
-Yes, yes. It’s there, it’s there. And if it is there, you have to take it. But it is not so easy, eh?
-Ah! "Easy"? No… I don't understand that word. "Easy". "Easy". "Difficult". Well, let us leave it at that. But it is there, the step. Can you realize that you are not from you?
-I'm not of me.
-But the step is there.
-It’s there. But if I don’t take it, it’s not there.
-But it is inside of you.
-Yes. It is inside of me. But such a step… to Take a step like that, I don't know... it seems to me like… No, no!
And in this dialog happens that, we are shown that, that step, in most cases is not taken.
This step of communion with what is created; that step of acceptance of the inevitable; that step to put in evidence what is felt; that step of recognizing what we have lived; that step to bear witness to what is offered.
-That step, alas!, has so many faces!, so many moments, so many commitments!, so many demands!, which distracts me from the others and distracts me from myself.
-You're not of you.
-"I'm not of me", of course.
-And if you invest a little less in your connection with the surroundings…; you do not need to invest anything, you are connected yes or yes.
-But I can isolate myself.
-But… it is a form of connection. And that internal dialog is a disturbance.
-Yes. It is called "obsessive, compulsive, dominant mania". It is part of the psychopathology of everyday life. It is a murmur, as if you had a beetle in the head instead of neurons. And you talk and you speak to yourself. At other times, it is called "schizophrenia"; or "neurosis".
-No. Is not that it is bad, but understand it; that to consult yourself is a little hedonistic, a little proud, a little vain, a little selfish. Ugh! You run the risk of tiring yourself out. You say: "I am tired of me".
But if you are you, how you are going to get tired of you? Let’s see! How can a person get tired of itself, if it is itself? If it is the person! A person, how is it going to get tired of itself? It's a disaster! If you get tired of yourself, as a person, you get a tinea versicolor "of Gilbert" - a thing of the skin-, you can get a Raynaud's disease -that is from the peripheral vascular system-, you can get an endometriosis -this is the endometrium outside of its place-, you can get a bald spot… Ha! What do you say to that?
-But sometimes one gets fed up with oneself.
-Of course, it is logical that this happens, because you have elaborated a lot your internal dialog, you have exhausted the gears and they no longer have teeth to engage; it has been left smooth, and slips; you slide, brother!
-Yes! It is like a brake that does not know to join to the drum and grinds; not braking. And, of course, comes the debauchery. And then comes the blunder, the comment without sense, the uncontrolled violence, the permanent anger… Well, those entire series of dominant auto-lithic.
-There are words that I don't understand.
-Better. Better, better, better. You don’t have to know everything. Because… because imagine that you get a Hashimoto's thyroiditis. What are you going to think?
-What is that?
-Well, an autoimmune disease of your thyroid, look; it was so at ease in the neck, throat, the thyroids, and Hashimoto arrives and it complicates your life. Because it was a Japanese physician Hashimoto, who discovered the Hashimoto's thyroiditis.
- Oh my God! But… that exists in Japan?
-Exists throughout the world, Hashimoto's thyroiditis -natural of Nagoya-.
-Please!... But if you get that… well, nothing. I would like to say that…
-Well, you will have to go to the doctor, and he will prescribe you immunosuppressant’s, give you steroids… he will give you anything that he can think, that is already invented. That is, it won't be anything original.
-But… If I go to Japan I will be cured?
-No. If you go to Japan you won’t be cured.
Woe!... how fragile! How fragile you are! Or how fragile we are!
And could it be, could it be that... -for example, in this case- could it be that, because of so much grated cheese, wouldn't it be better to make a fondue? Where the cheese isn’t grated. Ha! Of course, they are chunks of cheese. They soften, squirm, but they don’t grate. Would it not be better to make a fondue, than to grate the cheese for the spaghetti? Let’s see. Answer.
Of course. There comes a time when the sardine is the queen of the feast.
Also, in some countries there are "sardinos"; they look here to see if they can find… relate. To get little Sardines. Please!
-But… this third step, do you have to dedicate yourself to it him or…?
-It is not a question of dedication. This third step "is", "it is!". And as you are not of you…
You have to tell it to you: "I am not of me". It is similar to that song, "I am not from here nor am I from there, I don't have age…" –it’s by Alberto Cortez-, but in a good way, in a good way in the sense: "I am not of me." In addition, it is affective, it is generous, it remains as a phrase… well, a little romantic, no? "I'm not of me."
Then, you are of the bubble of love, you are of the unstoppable decision of an impulse of kisses, you are from a poem of explosions of clouds and flying sparks that seat in the stars, and that from there they shout: Aaaaahhhhhhhh!
-Of course, to do that… poof!...
The consciousness of living shows you those three steps in all human beings. And the possibility of becoming sensitive to that step is in the Sense of Prayer. The meditations and contemplations collaborate. But it is the Meaning of Prayer that does not need the external nor is gestated from or internal dialog, but that is promoted by the third step.
Yes, yes! Surely someone has thought about it. It is similar and alike as the so-called "Holy Spirit". There is a bank that is so called, "Holy Spirit", in Brazil. The bankers also have a soul, because who’s going to put a name like that to a bank!... It is a form of disguise, so they don’t dwell in you and in your manoeuvres.
But… why, compare it with the Holy Spirit?
Because nothing is known about it, but it is there. It is a way to designate that side, this facet of existence: "I'm not of me."
-So, if I am not of me, could you say that I am from the Holy Spirit?
-But then I could say that I am Holy Spirit.
-That's better. Remove the "from".
-Me, Holy Spirit? But I do not know what that is!
-And…? Perhaps at some point you believed to know everything!? Ah, yes, of course! You believed to know everything! Ahhh! That was part of the gratings that was justified with the environment! And, finally, there was the man or the woman sure of herself, sure of himself, and that knew everything and had everything very clear. Ah, of course, of course! What a tragedy!, right? And now, he tells her that he is Holy Spirit, and puts it as an inconvenience to accept what it is, that he knows nothing about it! But have you ever known anything of something? Eh?
-Let’s see. Sincerely.
-Well to know… know-know-know-know-know, like that-like that, the depths -up to the depths, no, but I defend myself… on the street, in the subway… I defend myself in English…
-You defend yourself in English?
-Jo! What level!, eh? What level!
-Well! But why doesn’t one stay quietly in step one and step two?
-It is precisely for this reason: because people, in most cases, with two steps, are not calm or quiet.
-But if we have two legs, two arms… We don't have three!
-Ok… If you count the trunk we have three. What happens is that, of course, "the trunk" -as used to be said, now it is said less- the trunk, well… is not taken into account.
-It is not a step.
-No, but… if you take a step, and then take the other, it is to move the trunk, right? It is not to move the legs.
-Wow what a mess! what a mess, what a mess! Let’s see. We are going to clear things up.
-We are going to clear things up.
-Yes. It is true. With the first step and the second, together, one is usually a little lame. A little bit. And I am convinced that life is as well. And now that I am told that I am not from me, that I have a third step that I don't know!: that I can sit to meditate, to pray, to contemplate… And its difficult, it costs me a lot, because I want to understand it!, because I want to know something of it!, and it turns out that I do not!
-Of course. We have arrived to a consciousness of knowing, on the basis of this internal dialog, on the basis of this relationship from the outside… and there everything has been exhausted. And, above all, it has been assumed and it has been accepted that "we know". And it is not known. Because the aim of life is not to know. It is to be. It is to be. The being. It is to take the third step.
Convert yourself into Trinitarian. "Convert yourself into Trinitarian". To assume oneself beyond the father or the mother. To be -so there is no misunderstanding- Holy Spirit.
And so, with that attitude, the Sense of Prayer reaches its transcendence. Meditation reaches its condescendence. And contemplation reaches the mercy.
"I'm not of me."